The one that makes him numb
by BrokenPoet12
Summary: Why are you doing this" Her question was legitimate and long unasked. She had waited longer then required for him to break from his usual mood. Now the empty silence made his withdrawal from her all the more painful."


Disclaimer: No these aren't my characters or lyrics. No ownership claimed, no money made.

Summary: Its just a songfic for the Cure's 'Numb'. Lyrics at the bottom.

The one that makes him Numb

By Poet

For some reason solace remained hidden in the ocean night. As he stood, salt and sand blew against his skin, frustratingly clean when nothing had a right to remain pure. A days growth of beard and hollow eyes barely testified to the inner battle already fought and forfeited. Alone the man stood, feet planted in the sand, haggard features squinting in protest to the still fading light. Contemplating a fate that he had no way out of. Suddenly the stony features broke, and the faint image of a smile appeared. Cold though, the usual warmth of the gesture no where to be seen.

_-yeah this is how it ends_

_after all these years_

_tired of it all_

_hopelessly helplessly broken apart_

_he finally falls-_

For months now he had become distant to everyone. His mother dead, father dead, sister dead. There was nothing to keep ties to. Nothing.

But there was her.

The pale reflection of moonlight catching in the single tear still blinded him. She had not begged, not even broken down as he shut her out. Instead she met his stoicism with her own. Growing furious, but the rage in her every word had fallen on deaf ears long ago.

_-he doesn't want to think_

_doesn't want to feel_

_doesn't know what's going on-_

Grimacing as much from the taste of sand as from the memory he shifted and turned away from the wind. Heavy steps sank and rose in a dull cadence over the trampled dunes as he walked. Wrapping his coat tighter around him in an effort to ward of the chill and world in his head he let his memories come.

XXXXXXX

"Why are you doing this?" Her question was legitimate and long unasked. She had waited longer then required for him to break from his usual mood. Now the empty silence made his withdrawal from her all the more painful.

_-says there's nothing he can do will change anything_

_he doesn't want to know what's going wrong-_

"Why does it matter what I do now?"

"Because what you do reeks of a man wallowing in self pity."

"Leave me be."

"Tell me what's wrong."

"This isn't a fucking democracy. Leave me alone."

...And after a time, she did.

XXXXXXXXX

The men. Those shadowed bastards hidden and safe had stolen everything from him. They had yet to steal the sunset though. And as another smile broke, this time warmer, he let himself remember what it felt like to love. His reasons for pushing her away were simple. Stay and she would die in the same manner that his family and her family had. Only that wound would never be healed because if she were to go...well it wasn't a problem now. He had left her behind in safety. He had taken the cowards way. Selfish because he didn't care to feel the grief for killing her. No matter how short term he would feel it he didn't want it.

_-because he's in love with a drug_

_one that makes him numb_

_one that stops him feeling at all_

_he's in love with a drug_

_forget everyone_

_he doesn't really care anymore_

_anymore...-_

Absently he nudged at a loose clump of seaweed. Sighing as a slimy coat remained on his shoe he kicked it away in sudden rage. The lump grew in his throat and a scream was barely swallowed.

_-yeah this is how it ends_

_after all this time_

_everything just fades away_

_worn-out and empty and all alone_

_with nothing left to say-_

It had taken exactly twenty-three and one half breaths to calm himself. Slowly the lump slid away and his throat relaxed. Now his rage merely receded. After another two deep breaths he continued. His counting had begun years ago. An effort to quell the feelings of insanity, of a stark madness spurned by terror and anger and hatred and by love. He had to forget love. Sometime it took him several trips to one hundred to forget about loving her for a few moments. It wouldn't do for anyone to find that no matter the distance, his feelings still remained. Her safety was never away from his mind, and at night in the dark and quiet images of a few briefly stolen moments would come to haunt him.

XXXXXXXX

"No matter what happens I want you to know I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

XXXXXX

His steps brought him around, back towards his starting point and a plain paper sack still resting in the sand. In it were two items, and sitting he removed the lighter of the two. Taking a quick pull of the cheap liquor, his hollow attempt to pass the time and pain burn down his throat.

_-oh it's all to big to make a difference_

_it's all too wrong to make it right_

_yeah everything is too unfair_

_everything is too much to bear_

_he doesn't have the strength left for the fight-_

Unbidden bile rose with a sharp hacking cough. Doubled over he felt his throat burn once again. The copper taste was familiar now and as he spit it into the sand, he watched in pool and collect small grains. Despite his bodies rejection he took a long, slow pull and drained the last of the yellow drink. Marveling at how like piss piss-yellow wine could taste he threw the bottle down towards the water. His distaste moved from the bitterness still in his mouth to the last few minutes of sunrise. Before the sky had been a pleasant orange. Now pinks and yellow licked relentlessly across the fading sky. Much, he imagined, like hell would look. The way flame could move and change and the way the sky resembled it made him shudder.

Almost time to go.

XXXXXXXXX

"Stop."

"Stop what?"

"Don't be this man."

He gazes at her, almost soft in countenance but a murderous cold resides in his hazel eyes.

"I am this man."

XXXXXXXX

Now his hand found it's way into the paper bag once more. Wrapping his hand around the cool weight of the object he lifted it free. Black and menacing. Cold. That's all it was. An escape. No, a condemnation for a man damned to hell. Looking away from it, his eyes fell to the South, to an approaching thunderhead. The world it seemed, wanted to close in on him, to bear witness. The taletell sound of thunder raced over the water and the sand.

Almost time to go.

XXXXXXXXX

She stood next to his empty car. The only other car in the lot. Sand swept across the broken pavement and wind stirred it. Footsteps led away, down to the water. That was where she would start.

XXXXXXXXX

...time to go.

He stood, eyes closing for a brief moment to cut off the sudden moisture. Never had he thought that it would come to this because he had left her. He had always imagined it being because she had left. Irony was cast aside and he took his last few steps forward. A sharp breath was taken as the cold water encircled his legs. Up to his hips he waded, allowing the cold water to assault him freely.

XXXXXXXX

There. A lone figure. Why was he in the water? It was still colder then hell. Colder then hell. Colder then hell. Hell. Oh God.

XXXXXXXXXX

The clap of thunder came in time with the lone gunshot. Only the gunshot outlasted the thunder by several agonizing seconds. And as her scream echoed across the empty plain his body fell and disappeared into the shallow surf. A red tint marked his grave and she fell to her knees before the water. Staring, staring so hard at the spot he had fallen. A harsh whisper tore itself away only to be swallowed by the next clap of thunder.

"...Mulder."

_-says all he wants is the drug_

_the one that makes him numb_

_the one that stops him feeling at all_

_he just wants to take the drug_

_forget everyone_

_he doesn't want to care anymore_

_just keeps loving the drug_

_the drug that he's become_

_he isn't really here anymore...-_

The End

AN: Again the song is called "Numb" and it's by the Cure. Here are the lyrics. Thanks for reading. Reviews appreciated but not expected, begged for, bargained for or bribed with chocolate cookies for. :-)


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